The People-Pleasers Guide to Recovery

7-Step Guide to Reclaim Your Life and Stop Burnout

Picture this: you’re rushing from Whole Foods for your son’s favorite chips, to Target for your partner’s electrolytes, and then grabbing flowers for your mother-in-law’s birthday.

You’ve been away from your computer for over an hour, anxiously checking Slack to ensure you’re not missing anything. As you pull into your driveway, you remember your daughter’s bake sale tomorrow and realize you forgot the cupcake ingredients. You let out an exhausted breath and whisper, “Why can’t I ever remember everything? I need a system or a nanny… maybe I need a nanny for myself.” You head back to the store, skipping lunch and running late for your next call.

Back home again, you start considering treating your friends to dinner next week because you’ve been MIA. You’ll cover everything, maybe even get a gift card for Christie’s promotion. Then it hits you: I haven’t contacted them in weeks, but they haven’t contacted me either. They must be mad. I should plan an elaborate wine tasting to make it up to them. That and dinner will surely make them like me…

If this sounds at all familiar, you might self-identify as a people-pleaser. You’re hustling, looking for any opportunity to receive a positive response to your actions. You’re giving away parts of yourself or changing how you show up in the world to ensure you are well-received.

Honing your responses based on people, situations, and desired outcomes makes for a well-oiled representation of you, but it isn’t the real you. The more you give parts of yourself away to receive a specific response from others, the more the real you get pushed away or given out. This leads you further away from yourself, and it becomes harder and harder to get it all back.

This act—living to please, giving away parts of yourself to keep the peace, living in constant questioning—fuels your flame of Burnout. Before addressing how to stop it, we must first understand what people-pleasing is and why we do it.

What is People-Pleasing and Why Do We Do It?

In the simplest terms, a people-pleaser is someone who disregards their own needs to please someone else. People-pleasers will go to extreme lengths to avoid confrontation, disappointment, missing out on something, and mitigating feelings of abandonment.

People-pleasers often don’t know what they like and dislike, what they enjoy doing with their free time, or what they feel passionately about.

People-pleasers have traits that can positively and negatively impact their well-being. Some of these traits include:

• Perfectionism
• Agreeableness
• Conflict-avoidance
• Self-sacrificing
• Porous boundaries
• Dependence
• Low self-esteem
• Anxiousness
• Helpfulness

People-pleasing behavior is often developed from a young age as a trauma response or cultivates emotional dependence on caregivers for various reasons. Many people are familiar with fight, flight, or freeze, but there is a fourth response known as fawn, which happens in response to a traumatic event. Fawning is often correlated with people-pleasing behavior.

You can read more information on the study of these behaviors and the psychology behind them here.

We know what it is, what it looks like, and why we do it—so, what do we do now? Let’s get into it.

7-Step Guide to Becoming a Recovering People-Pleaser

Step 1: Recognize and Acknowledge

The first step towards change is recognizing and acknowledging your people-pleasing behaviors. Start by observing your interactions with others. When do you say “yes” when you want to say “no”? When do you prioritize others’ needs over your own? Take note of the details surrounding these decisions. Who do you have this response with most often? What environment precipitates this reaction?

Step 2: Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential for reclaiming your time and energy. Practice saying “no” to requests that overwhelm you or make you feel you should say “yes.” Remember, setting a boundary does not mean you are letting someone down; it means valuing your own needs. Working with a professional coach to define and practice setting boundaries is an extremely effective way to learn and implement this step into your daily life.

Step 3: Practice Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself. Understand that it’s okay not to be perfect and that your worth is not determined by how much you do for others. Engage in self-care activities that nurture your well-being.

Step 4: Reconnect with Your Passions

Take time to rediscover what you genuinely enjoy doing. Whether it’s a hobby, a form of exercise, or a creative activity, spend time engaging in things that make you feel alive and authentic.

Step 5: Seek Professional Help

If people-pleasing significantly impacts your quality of life, consider seeking help from a therapist or life coach. They can provide tools and strategies to help you overcome deep-rooted patterns and build healthier relationships.

Step 6: Cultivate Healthy Relationships

Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and support your growth. Healthy relationships are reciprocal and do not require you to please others to be valued.

Step 7: Celebrate Your Progress

Acknowledge the small victories along the way. Celebrate when you successfully set a boundary, took time for yourself, or said “no” without guilt. Progress is a journey, and each step forward is worth celebrating.

By following these steps, you can shift away from people-pleasing behaviors and towards a life where you prioritize your needs and desires. Remember, you deserve to live authentically and joyfully without constantly seeking approval from others.

If you have any experiences or tips for overcoming people-pleasing, please share them in the comments below. Your journey can inspire and help others who are navigating similar challenges.